The ever elusive LOVE

There is something elusive about love. Though there are all sorts of efforts to rationalize and explain this 4 lettered emotion, but does there exist any single universal interpretation of it? I guess no.

As far as I am concerned, this word has changed its implication to me over time. When I was a child, I had my due share of fantasizing over fairytale romance. At that time, all it implied to me was that by some magic some handsome prince would come to me on his flying horse(or pokhiraj as it is called in Bengali)and take me away. But as to how it involved any emotions, love or whatsoever, never crossed my mind.

Then in my teens, I fell in love for the first time. I was besotted by him, swooned over him, wanted to marry him even(even though I had literally no idea of what a marriage implied) and waited all day to catch a glimpse of him. I was literally ready to kill for him and trust me my heart missed a beat whenever I heard his name. He was none other than SHAHRUKH KHAN..(forgive the caps…I still love err..like him boss).

Then came the serious part. I was nearing adulthood(I mean the legal one)

when I met Him. Lets not take names here, let me call him T. So T was this popular guy who had a HUGE fan following especially among the girls and I was this geeky girl, trying to be invisible especially around him. But “man proposes n god disposes” so they say and this case cupid decided to intervene or so I guess. Keeping aside the details, in all fairness it could be said that we were into a relationship[were we?]

Then adulthood came, some things changed between us. Mathematically speaking the equations weren’t quite right between us[god help engineers like me].So it was more of an intermittent love affair, we were in and out of the relationship alternately for 2-3 months-but we were together. Right? Lets not dwell on that part too much. But this whole time I had such high expectations from love. Love is pure, ties two souls together, looks beyond imperfections and so on and so forth..phew!!!The very thought that I thought these to be true makes me giggle. And all this time I was legally an adult[god bless the law] and an impractical goat of an adult[can’t help saying].

Then one day it was over. No more of intermittent single and committed status on orkut .For a few days felt free like a bird. I could do whatever I wished, no huge phone bills, no lying at home about extra pocket money-infact it felt good. But then suddenly it felt bad too. I was on a visit to Shillong in winter.The weather was perfect,the scenic beauty breathtaking and everything was flawless. But something inside me wasn’t alright . Every time I saw a great place, I remembered him, saw something breathtaking and I craved for him…Something made me long for him all the time. That I guess was the point when I realized what love was all about. To me it was and still is something that makes the imperfect perfect and the mundane interesting and even the boring tolerable.

Now am 22,reasonably reasonable and practical[at least I think so].Now T is committed to someone else. I don’t really blame him because I myself no longer believe that it’s possible to wait for love and all that crap . But then there is a great big BUT here . T and B [let that be T’s new found lady love] are committed to each other mind and soul. There isn’t a reason to think otherwise. But where do I stand? The most practical ones among u will say , move on. But I simply can’t. I keep remembering him every moment. In my lonely moments I can still see the way he crinkled his nose when he smiled, the way he frowned when offended ,the way he walked, the way he talked and everything to the minutest detail.Even now something of importance happens and I long to tell him about it.Can anyone now tell me, what this is all about ? Do my feelings lose all their relevance just because he loves someone else? Is it illegitimate of me to love him now? Or is it unethical?

This dilemma in its turn makes me think about love again.What is it about love that differentiates it from its ill-reputed lesser versions like stalking , crush , obsession etc? Is it simply the fact that love is supposed to be a two-way affair ? But why does my feeling have to be renamed depending on someone else ? Other emotions are not so susceptible to other peoples’ viewpoint as love is and all this time I believed love was so divine and pure and what not[!!!].I guess there is a fine line of demarcation between love and obsession. But the irony is that a stalker also believes himself to be in love..right? Its all so messed up..or is it me who is all messed up?

Comments are eagerly awaited. And a word of caution to all-all characters ,places and events described herein are imaginary. Any resemblance whatsoever to any person is purely coincidental.